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My life for better or worse.
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My life for better or worse.
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Prayer most of the time for me is a one-sided conversation, which technically isn’t a conversation. I do all the talking. I’ve learned that I’ve been missing one of the most important aspects of prayer. There’s the talking part... (I’ve got that down) and then there’s the listening part. That’s the more difficult aspect. We have a tendency to assume we’ll only hear crickets...but we’re wrong. He hears us, and He answers us. But it’s hard to hear a whisper when you’re expecting the answer to be as loud and alarming as an Amber Alert.
A wise man once shared with me that sometimes when he is praying about a particularly difficult decision, he will pray for ambivalence. He prays for the grace to personally not be invested in either outcome so that the slightest whisper, the slightest suggestion will nudge him in the right direction. Wow. That inspires me so much. If only I had the courage to pray that way. In the summer of 2017 my wife and I decided that we were going to open a coffee shop together. Until that point it had been a dream that we shared, but one morning, bright and early, sitting on a blanket in the park watching the sunrise, we decided we were going to do it! Over the last year and a half we worked tirelessly on our new venture building a business plan, doing extensive market research (which involved literally going door to door and grilling the businesses in our target neighborhood with questions), talking to different experts in their fields; lawyers, accountants, property managers, realtors, building owners, business owners, coffee shop owners, coffee roasters, equipment dealers, food suppliers, you name it. We didn’t leave a single stone unturned. It was certainly difficult. There were times when we thought, "This is too much." Then we would scold ourselves for complaining. “Of course it’s hard,” we said, “if it was easy everyone would do it!” Keep in mind throughout this 18 month span we were still working two full-time jobs, still trying to start a family, still trying to achieve and maintain that balance in life that we all dream of. We picked a location, consulted contractors about renovation costs, even talked to the owner about leasing options. We were there. We were so sure this was what we wanted. Or at least I thought we were until a few weeks ago... It was a Saturday night. We had been talking about our future, about having a family, about our fertility. It was one of those conversations. We had prayed about these things before but more often that not we prayed about them in a superficial way, in a selfish way. "God please give me these things that I want..." And being aware of this we decided to do something different. We sat down on the floor together, joined our hands, and began to pray. But this was different from the usual prayer routine. We prayed for direction. We prayed for discernment. We prayed for clarity. We prayed to be detached from the desire of what we wanted and for grace to desire what he wanted for us... whatever that was. It was a deeply moving prayer. Yet there was no immediate answer. No fireworks. No eureka moment. No epiphany. But we felt good. We’d gotten it all out, placed it in His hands and went to bed. The next morning we went back to work on the business plan. It seemed like any other Sunday but we had no idea our world was about to be turned upside down. Suddenly an obstacle popped up that we couldn't quickly rectify. This was big. The gears in our heads were squealing and smoking like old carnival equipment. So we went for a walk to talk this thing out. Walking always helps us to get perspective and clarity. As it happened... this was just the first domino and it had already been knocked over. We were feeling it all, the weight of everything. It was overwhelming. We knew what we needed to do so we sat down on the bed and prayed once again. For a while we just sat in silence, waiting for the words to come. Eventually they did, and they came in a flood. I found myself asking God these profound questions... Why did you give us this deep desire for children if you didn’t intend to use it? What do you want us to do? Is our infertility part of your plan? Are we going to conceive naturally? Are we supposed to adopt? Is the coffee shop what you want for us? Is the coffee shop just another distraction? Another way for us to try to control our life?... We prayed and cried for a long time. Our walk had been just after breakfast, by suppertime we knew it was over. In the span of less than ten hours we went from being sure the coffee shop was our future, to being almost certain that it was not what we were meant to do. It was a tectonic shift. The day had been a long, emotional, roller coaster. My bride lamented that it felt like the rug had been pulled out from beneath us, and I agreed. The weird part was how we had come to the decision. It wasn't that we couldn't get the loan from the bank, or another business stole our location or anything like that. It just... happened. There were many reasons to justify it. Some of them were financial; the economic climate of our city, the result of our market research, our financial calculations and sales projections. It appeared that one of us would still need to keep our full-time job in order to make it work, and that was a serious deviation from our original vision. This was always something we wanted to do together. (That was the first domino.) There was also the result of our job research. We interviewed several coffee shop owners and learned what it’s actually like to own and run a business in the food and beverage industry. But the biggest part of it was that we realized that the coffee shop just didn't fit with our life goals. It didn't fit with our future. We knew that what's most important to us in our life right now is starting a family. Early on in this journey someone had told us to come up with a vision for our business and then whenever you’re considering something big you go back to your vision and see if they are compatible. It was a really great practice. That day I suggested we do the same thing, but for our life and see if the coffee shop was compatible with our vision. The result was shocking. The coffee shop had always been about passion. Here we were going after something we were passionate about, and it was exciting. But passions have a way of competing. They get jealous. Looking back, I am so grateful for this journey. I think we needed to go through this adventure to find out what was most important to us in our life. We started this journey thinking we knew where we were going and ended it knowing where we are not going. On the surface it may not look like it, but I think there’s more security in the latter. We took a week to be sure about our decision and at the end of the week we knew it was right. We had to mourn it in a way, we had put a year and a half into it, but what we felt in our hearts was peace. That peace was the confirmation we needed to know we had made the right decision. So our future is unknown to us, but that’s okay. Wherever our life takes us we will experience it together. Wherever we end up...we’ll arrive together. Whatever challenges, obstacles, struggles, or sufferings come our way we will get through them together. And that’s all that matters. - Stubborn Pilgrim.
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I want to talk about gratitude.
I feel that gratitude is something we easily forget to practice. And that's just the point, it's not something we naturally do, we have to practice it in order to make it a recurring thing in our lives. I don't know about you, but I find it much easier to practice gossip and grumbling than anything else. It's so easy to point out something negative or to rant about some terrible thing that happened to you: Someone cut me off on the road today. A guy butted in line at Timmy's this morning. McDonald's screwed up my breakfast and gave me sausage instead of bacon! When you train your brain to think this way over a long period of time, it can take almost an equal amount of time to break that habit and re-train it to think another way. It's like a rut. You can try to straddle it and drive off to the side but its all too easy to slip right back into that rut. It takes time to fill it in and pave a new path. What if we started with one thing per day? Today I am grateful for ..... Okay, I'll start... Today I am grateful for my wife. She is so patient and kind. She treats me with respect and care and love. I don't know what I would do without her. She is truly a blessing. A friend told me a quote the other day that really got to me: "I cried that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet." It really got me thinking. How much do we complain and groan about things that really don't matter? The price of produce at Sobeys. Netflix raised their fees. Someone didn't say thank you to me for something nice I did, or they did but it wasn't as genuine or grand of a thank you as I felt was necessary. The person in front of you in line has a big order and is taking too long. A truck changed lanes on the road without signalling. You don't know what to make for supper. Is it becoming clear? We are so easily bothered by things and don't all those complaints also reveal to us the blessings we do have? We have money to buy groceries. We live somewhere that has a grocery store in which to by groceries. We have internet and access to like a million tv shows and movies at a fraction of the cost it used to be to rent them at the video store. We have friendships. We have vehicles. We have a home, a kitchen, power, a fridge, and food to make meals every single day. My sister in law, Meagan, has a blog of her own which is fantastic and one of her most recent posts is also about gratitude! Meagan's positive and cheerful attitude is contagious. She is a sweet and incredibly inspiring girl and I am so psyched to have her as a sister. Check out her blog here: mdandmeblog.weebly.com it is fantastic. The good that gratitude can do in our lives is endless and to tell you the truth I think it gets more mileage in the small things than it does in the big ones. I mean you could go and do some grand gesture and that's great, please don't think I'm discouraging you from doing that, I just have seen over the past year how little gestures of gratitude have really strengthened my marriage. It's so easy. All we do is when we notice something the other person has done, no matter how small actually especially if it's small because those things almost always go unnoticed, we acknowledge it and say "Hey, I noticed you did this, thank you." You have no idea how powerful it is. "Hey, I noticed you always plug the vehicle in when I forget to. Thank you for doing that." "Thank you for all the meals that you cook for us. I'd likely starve without you." "Hey you put all that laundry away that I was putting off doing, you're the best! Thank you so much!" And so on... These are not large things, nor do they need to be, but what you're doing is showing the other person that you appreciate the little things that they do. When you do a nice thing for someone it kind of takes away from the gesture if you fish for the compliment doesn't it? "Did you notice I took out the trash?" I mean how desperate is that? It's not a true offering if you are seeking the recognition for it. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't take time to acknowledge those things and say thank you. It's obvious this doesn't just apply in a marriage or relationship, it works with family, friends, even strangers. You're walking up town and see someone pick up a piece of trash and put it in a nearby garbage can. You could give them some encouragement, and it would probably make their day. The first thing I'm going to do once I post this is text my sister in law and thank her for the nice things she said about me in her blog post. I know she didn't do it to make herself praiseworthy, she did it because she is just sweet and kind and I'm simply going to say thanks for being a great sister in law. I encourage all of you to keep your eyes open today. Make someones day and give them a compliment or thank them for something small they did that would otherwise have gone unnoticed. You will be pleased with the result. - Stubborn Pilgrim. Isn't it crazy how much things can fluctuate? One day on top of the world, the next... pinned beneath it. Sometimes I find the whole up and down of it exhausting. Sometimes I feel kind of like a kite dancing in a hurricane. An insignificant drip of paint on a giant mural; small, indistinct.
It's that feeling of control. . . or rather it's the feeling of the absence of control. If I can't control my own life, what purpose do I have? What motivation is there to get up in the morning? Wow, God must be looking down at me and thinking, "What a stubborn brat." I digress. It was a tough week. My bride and I have been trying to start a family for some time now, almost four and a half years. It has been a tremendous cross to bear. Here's a brief history to bring you up to speed: 2014 - We started trying to conceive a baby. We were filled with excitement and wonder. 2015 - Excitement turned to dismay, concern, hope. 2016 - We were finally able to conceive but we lost the baby at seven weeks. It was devastating. It rocked our world. We started seeing a doctor. 2017 - Doctors. Tests. Blood panels. Hormone panels. Trips to different cities to see different doctors. More tests. MRI exams. Ultrasounds. Consultations. Drugs. 2018 - Acupuncture. Naturopaths. A specialist from the United States. Osteopaths. More doctors. Diets. More drugs. Being told we have "Unexplained infertility." 2019... We had been feeling like we had done everything we possibly could to find out why we aren't conceiving. We booked a consult with yet another doctor who specializes in pregnancy care and women's health, hoping he would take us on. He has the ability to do tests that GP doctors can't, like laparoscopy's (it's where they put a scope into your abdomen and remove things like scar tissue and cysts). It took over two months to get in to see him. We put a lot of hope into this appointment. This past week the appointment finally came and our high hopes were swiftly deflated. He refused to take us on. He said that there was nothing he could do for us, that there were no tests we would be willing to do (because of the risks involved) and basically told us that we had made a mistake in coming to him and that we should have went to the fertility clinic in a city 5 hours away. It was a crushing blow. We had been feeling like we had exhausted all our options and put all our hopes into this. We really thought that this doctor could get us the answer we have been seeking. It felt as if we'd been zapped back to square one. Landed on a snake instead of a ladder. Here's that up and down again. The day before the appointment we were excited and hopeful. The moment we left the appointment... crushed. But in reality, nothing had changed from the day before. We weren't any less infertile. We didn't get diagnosed with any kind of medical condition. Everything was the same. The only difference from before and after the appointment was that before the appointment we had the illusion of control. We thought we were in control of our world, of our fertility, of our life. After the appointment... we realized how little we were ever really in control. In reflecting on this, I have to wonder which position is better to be in... having the illusion of control, feeling happy and up but only a moment away from falling back into despair. Being the kite on a string completely at the mercy of the wind... or understanding we are not really in control of anything. Relinquishing control of our lives to God and trusting in His plan for us. I think the answer is clear. Only in Him can our hearts be truly content. I like this quote: "Our hearts are restless until they rest in thee." - St. Augustine Now there is a word I think is often misinterpreted; Rest. What is rest? Is it lounging on the couch in front of the TV? Is it getting a good nights sleep? I think it's much deeper than that. I think rest is the security of knowing your heart belongs to Him. If my heart is aligned with His, if I want what He wants, I'll never really be let down. I'll never really need to worry or be anxious. Of course, this is very difficult to achieve. It's something I will have to constantly work towards and strive for, but I think I've struck a chord here. If I try to remember this point it will help me to persevere through these difficult times and others in the future. I've realized, I'm not insignificant. I'm not an unintended drip of paint but a meticulously placed brush stroke on a masterpiece canvas painted by the greatest artist in the universe. We all are. We are special. We are valued. We are loved. Do we know it? Do we feel it? I'm going to try to reflect on this a lot more in the coming weeks. I am confident that the more I try to let go of the desire for control the more I will feel peace in my heart. The more I let go... the more I let Him grasp on to me. - Stubborn Pilgrim. Where has the time gone?
I can't believe it's been 3 months and a day since my last post. I apologize for that. What can I say? I was busy. I got held up. My car had a flat tire. I ran into an old friend. I completely forgot. I got distracted. I got distracted. This always happens to me. When I find something that's good for me, something that brings me joy and provides growth, I encounter resistance. This is good for me. It gets too cramped in my head if I don't release the pressure, if I don't get these thoughts out. If you will forgive me for my absence, I will do my best to make it up to you. I appreciate the time that you take to read these posts. I appreciate you. My goal for this year is to put up a minimum of one post per month. Stay tuned for January. - Stubborn Pilgrim Do you ever have the thought, "I think too much." ?
I have been typing up drafts for a new post for weeks and I'll think they are either too serious, or too light, or too preachy, or too honest. Then I'm nervous because I haven't posted enough! Everyone must be thinking, "What the heck? This guy just does one post and then gives up? I thought he was going to "share", I thought this was going to be a good thing to follow but obviously not." Why do I think that every post has to be perfect? Why do I care? Didn't I start this blog so I would have an opportunity to share and get my feelings out of my head so I can work through them? Something has gotten disordered here. This is my blog. These are my thoughts. It doesn't matter if a hundred people or no people read it. That's not why I'm writing it, yet that insecurity that I'm trying so hard to curb has worked its way right into my means of escape from it. I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. At work, at home, everywhere. At first I couldn't pinpoint what exactly the cause was. I just thought, "Hey, life is busy. It happens." It's been a slow process but the imaginary line between work and home has become quite blurred. It was so slow that I didn't even notice it had happened. All of a sudden I realized that I am thinking about work constantly. It's just always on my mind. I could be doing dishes, helping cook or clean, watching a T.V. show... and my mind is constantly turning. It's trying to workout how I'm going to do a certain job, how I'm going to juggle my projects, when to schedule this task, or trying to make myself remember something for the next day. It's just non-stop. It's exhausting! Work has pervaded my mind and I didn't even notice it happening. It took the courage of a couple close friends, some time in reflection, and the patient ear and invaluable advice of my wife for me to see I wasn't handling things well and that my work had begun to take too much precedence in my life. It is important to mention here that I am very grateful to have such loving, caring, and honest friends. To those I've just alluded to, you know who you are, thank you. My psychologist gave me an interesting thing to try. He told me about when he first started working after obtaining his degree it was difficult not to bring his work home with him, so he created a mental place to act as a sort of switch. On his drive home from work every day, he decided that when he drove over the bridge, it was a mental cue to begin to let go of work for the day and to begin to move into home mode. I never would have thought that I'd have to tell my brain to stop thinking about work when I got home. I just thought it would do that naturally. So I've started to try. I don't drive over a bridge on my commute, but I've started a little routine that is working well for me. On my drive home I put on some classical music to soothe me and when I pull up to my garage I try to mentally flick a switch in my brain and leave my work behind for the night and just be at home with my wife. It hasn't been that long and my mind is already starting to get used to it. As soon as I turn the classical music on, I can feel my brain starting to let go and by the time I get home and unload my pockets in the garage and take my work boots off it's like I'm already into home mode. It's like when I let the garage door swing shut behind me I am leaving my work behind that door as well. Maybe you can relate to this in some way, maybe not. It can be very beneficial to just take some time to analyze a little bit. We are so busy we never stop to take a breath. If you're feeling overwhelmed, nervous, anxious, worn out, take some time and just reflect. Why am I feeling this way? What is causing it? Can I describe the feeling more specifically? I'm feeling overwhelmed... okay but is it fear? anxiety? fatigue? You may be surprised how quickly you come up with an answer. So my friends, thank you for tuning in again. I hope that in some way my decompression of thoughts can help you or encourage you. Remember to make time for yourself, just do something you love. Work is important, but it is not everything. - Stubborn Pilgrim. I don't know quite what this is just yet. All I know is that I am too much inside my own head and I need to get my thoughts outside so that I can see them and make sense of them. If either of us benefit from this blog it will have been worth it.
There are so many words in my life today that I paid little attention to only a few years ago; Anxiety. Shame. Indecision. Fear. Infertility. Leisure. Rest. It amazes me just how much each one of these things has altered the course of my life and how they have shown me just how little I'm really in control. I'd like to explore these things and others with you through this blog and hope to achieve some healing, clarity, purpose, and peace. I'm 31 years old and I live in the Canadian west. I've been married six years to an angel of a woman. I'm an electrician, a catholic and an optimist, most days. As I said before, the purpose of this blog is to get my thoughts out so I can make sense of them, get them straight. When I try to figure everything out all in my head I start to feel like a crazy person. This blog will likely change and evolve over time, maybe it wont always appeal to you, but I welcome you to accompany me on this journey. I think one of the most important things in life is connection. I'm not talking about the internet or social media or even a blog post for that matter. Not a digital connection but and emotional connection. I heard a quote recently that stated that in fact the easier it has become for us to "connect", we've actually become more disconnected than ever before. It makes sense. People used to write letters to each other, to their relatives and friends. People used to actually meet in person and when they did, they didn't spend the entire visit glued to their cell phone screen. They were present. They were connected. Now, I'm not going into a rant here about cell phones or social media, all I'm saying is that I believe that we were made for connection. We were made for love. And I want to encourage you to seek out connection wherever you can. Let a piece of music move you deeply, let a movie or TV show or a book excite you, touch you. Allow emotions to fully engage. Sometimes we are so guarded that we are afraid to truly embrace our emotions in fear of being hurt, embarrassed, shamed, or let down. So we hold back, we put a mask on, we protect ourselves, or at least we think we are protecting ourselves, but in reality we are building a prison for ourselves, and this prison is keeping us from being our true self. It makes us doubtful. It makes us skeptical. It makes us fearful. I chose to name this blog The Stubborn Pilgrim because I think it characterizes me well. The word pilgrim is described as: a traveler who is on a journey to a holy place. I like that, and I desire that, so I would say, "Yes, I am a pilgrim." However... I'm fallible. I'm human. When I uncover distractions, detours if you will, that pull me off the track to that Holy Place, I find letting go of them is harder than I anticipated. I am attached to my sins, my habits, my vices. I don't want to let go of them. It's either that, or I will make a change and see how it improves my life. I will feel happier and fulfilled and back on track...and then all of a sudden I'm back where I started, because it was just too much work, it was too difficult, it conflicted with my schedule, my life, and a thousand other empty excuses that simply don't hold water. It's just easier not to try. It's easier to be in slavery, to be a slave to your vices, to simply say "this is who I am", than to try to change, than to try to do the right thing, than to be vulnerable, than to be free. Freedom comes with responsibility. To be free is to be able to choose. I think a lot of us are so caught up in our vices we barely even see that we have a choice to resist them. So here begins the journey. My journey. Our journey. I'm opening the door to the cell that I have put myself in. I'm going to be vulnerable. I'm going to be honest. And I hope in the future to be able to say that I'm free. - Stubborn Pilgrim |
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